The Party
Tightly bunched, two hundred upstanding
Drinks-in-hand chatterers.
Waiters alone can pass through the throng.
A band plays, the din is confounding
But it’s too tight to dance.
Most, indeed, are too old to want to.
They’re celebrating the life-event
Of warm-welcoming hosts
Sadly unattuned to their welfare.
Who was alerted to cucumber
Sandwiches and nibbles
At a time when dinner’s expected?
Agéd hips, knees, backs, and sparse seating
Mean there’s pain in the room.
But gentility rules: no-one leaves.
At long dawdling last, come the speeches
And required homely film.
These, though no less boastful than usual,
Are abnormally entertaining
And witty, yet fail to
Outweigh all encircling discomforts.
So as the laughter dies and the claps
Dribble into silence,
A shuffling begins and one thought looms:
Now we can go!
Of Frugaldonia
I don’t fancy life among Frugals
(Though not necessarily mean)
Even if they hail thrift with bugles
And their streets are tidy and clean.
Because in the land of the Frugals,
It is monetary cravings
That count; and the ultimate measure
Of worth is assets and savings.
Wonderland
Very solemnly planned,
Each aping a palace,
And so grotesquely grand:
Could be built by Alice
Or her Mad Hatter friend.
The Guardian Problem
There are people who are
Seriously disturbed
And really need doctors.
Disturbingly, some of
Them are also doctors.
A multitude surges
Through parkland trees towards
Beguiling gates, entry
To the charmed arena,
All hearts replete with joy.
Little girls and boys beam
And skip, and wave bright flags.
Colours rampant, burly
Males and dainty ladies
Gaily proclaim their faith,
Their fond and current dream.
Once inside, life stands still.
The game is classic, hard.
First half owned by my team;
Second owned by your team.
A draw: maybe justice,
Though some would question that.
A stunned void follows; then
As thousands think to ebb,
The heavens turn sour and
Match the mood with sudden
Icy winds and seeming
Tears of rain hard-driven.
The multitude streams out
Into a darkened park.
No winners, no triumph,
No smiles; just grumpy kids,
Drooping flags, and glum talk.
All gaiety has fled.
In the Grand Final Replay when
You understood the gods, for once,
Were entirely in your corner.
The ball spears clean down to Riewoldt,
Cleverly alone in the square,
Scarcely a pace from the goal line;
He swivels then quick to the kick.
Shaw, against all hope sprinting in
From afar, leaps like an arrow
And fingers the ball on the boot!
Divinity was in that dive.
Funeral Games
Few speak the truth at funerals;
Most wrap their talk in cotton wool,
Bandaging person and past in
Homage to any true grievers.
But all share one thought: ‘It’s not me.’
Gresham’s Law
Once was a new priest,
Clean-shaven young chap,
Who true-told old tales
That, while often blithe
And exuberant
To start, ended in
Death and disaster.
Before very long,
His flock had most fled
Across the road to
A ginger-bearded,
Street-smart old pastor
Who told the same tales
With happy endings.
At the Minyan
A bearded fat man stole my chair,
Slipping stealthily behind me.
I dropped into his flabby lap
When the service allowed us sit.
Crowded room, a close-by rabbi,
A sagging couch the one recourse.
Plunging deep into it hoisted
Damaged knees high above my ears.
Summoned to be upright once more,
I flopped as though a landed fish.
The rabbi, reading, glanced my way
And quietly commanded, ‘Sit!’
This I did with such vast relief
And deep-welling gratitude that
(The only goy in that cramped room)
I suddenly felt quite Jewish.
If the Truth be Known
She married him for money;
He for a trophy wife.
They filled their family quota,
And were respectable.
They quarrelled incessantly,
And drove the children off.
A fulsome rabbi said nought
Of this at her funeral.
Smoke-reeking,
Flies flocking,
Sweat dripping,
Beef cooking -
Overdone.
Gut Fear
The New Astrologers
The Murderous Professions
Each year, thousands die doing their jobs,
From soldiers, policemen on duty,
To construction workers and miners.
Overwhelmingly, these are random
Deaths, not deliberate killings of
Known, targeted individuals.
But murder, for just two professions,
Has long been in certain countries a
Constant occupational hazard.
Each year, journalists by the dozen,
Trade-union leaders by the score, are
Gunned down by dedicated killers.
Jailing, torture are the frequent lot
Of many more in these brave callings.
One can only marvel at their courage.
The Golden Age of Australian Universities
To think a rank old Tory,
Robert Menzies, deployed it;
And a so-called Progressive,
Young John Dawkins, destroyed it!
A Collingwood Farewell To a Favourite Son
Alan Didak, belovèd
Larrikin, aging champion,
Back after long injury:
Brought on late, deep forward.
The ball flies down to Dane Swan,
Slyly alone in the square.
He spurns the easy score, and
Hand-passes to the pocket.
Didak honours the gesture,
Steers through a last clever goal.
His team-mates sprint from centre
And back-lines to embrace him.
The Real Winners at the Spring Racing Carnival
’Twas none of the upfront
lot: not fleet horses, nor
Fair ladies parading
Chic outfits, nor haughty
Celebs in lush marquees.
No, it was the backroom
Milliners who fashioned
All those gaudy, strutting,
Whimsical hints of hats
That sneered at gravity!
Him, dead artist, I never met.
She, an aging tigress, holds court
In superlative style: charming,
Witty, silkily controlling.
The puzzle of a painting clears.
Moaning man sits hunched on a rock,
Almost foetal; hard-faced woman,
Towering behind, stares past him.
Len entitled this chilling work,
‘Conversation with the Hermit’:
Busy city footpath,
Small very old couple,
Too warmly dressed for a
Sun-bright autumnal day.
They stop of a sudden,
Oblivious of crowd.
He turns and tenderly
Unbuttons her jacket.
She looks blankly ahead.
He takes her hand and they
Move off, close together,
Like very young lovers.
A Moment of Grace
2014
The day Nicky Winmar
Passed into Aussie Rules
Legend, I was seated
Behind the Collingwood
‘Cheer squad’ at old Vic Park.
The Saints won well, Winmar
Their finest, his ‘brother’
McAdam the second.
Both had endured racist
Taunts from some in the squad.
At game’s end, Winmar ran
From the centre to face
The squad: he said nothing,
Simply raised his jumper,
Pointed to his brown chest
With dignity and pride
And a steely contempt.
Of countless business breakfasts:
Mostly uniformed males with
Dark suits, pale shirts, sober ties,
Gleaming shoes, eager eyes for
The occasional woman.
But later, why on earth do
They (hunks apart) expect her
To have perfect recall of
Every boiled potato
Sitting on top of those suits?
In the fair town of Yea,
Deep in Murrindindi,
There’s a Temple to meat
Standing tall in High Street.
Its High Priests two brothers
(Sage Gary, wise Wayne) who
Share the proud Tainton name,
Revered by so many.
Neophytes: Marsh brothers,
Big Rhett and wiry Kyle,
With heedful Al Tait as
Saturday’s Acolyte,
All wield knives sacred to
The creed that the Taintons
Ardent preach and proclaim,
The right source of their fame.
So great their piety,
They even do slaughter,
On their blood-stained altar,
Beloved kine of their own.
And more virtue acquire
By laughter resounding,
Like a heavenly choir,
Through each Temple service.
So, always (choice meats in
Hand, in ears cheery quips),
The faithful leave Temple
With broad smiles on their lips!
For nine long, anguished years,
In the fair town of Yea,
Deep in Murrindindi,
Ron served, nay, slaved in the
Taintons’ Temple as their
Saturday Acolyte.
’Twas a painful penance:
His reward a pittance,
His burden, constant jeers
From Blues and Tigers (and
Another Blue at home!)
Which tested him full sore.
But he endured the slings
And arrows, rebuffed all
Blandishments, and remained
Throughout resolute and
Steadfast, as befits a
A true-blue Magpie man!
Ancient prescription:
Mohel, bearded, black garbed;
Jewish man-child, pink,
Tiny, ten days old.
Mohel cuts, quickly done,
Baby wails: some blood,
Bandage and soothing
Comfort of mothers.
Time then for bagels,
Coffee and chat while
Mutilated babe
Sobs in a backroom.
Astounding that such
A primitive rite
Is maintained by such
Cultivated folk!
… Along with Congo
Tribesmen and desert
Aborigines;
And, of course, Muslims.
An Impartial Comparison of Rugby League,
Rugby Union, and Good Old Aussie Rules
The season of real football
Draws close after the usual
Dreary summer of cricket,
Tennis, golf, and faux soccer.
So now’s the time for careful
Appraisal of the main codes.
League, all tank-like, designed for
Perpetual collision;
Union, forwards much the same,
Backs a bit lighter for speed;
Rules, all mostly leaner and
Lither, mostly swifter too.
Captive to ‘off-side’, League and
Union must mostly slow grind
Forward to goal-ground the ball.
Rules’ raking high kicks allow
Goals scored fast from afar, and
Speedy reversals of play.
The thrills fans reap from simple
Goals, straight wins are amplified
By see-sawing scores, by come-
From-behind gritty upsets -
Both of which, as it happens,
Are least uncommon in Rules.
But the most profound thrills come
From rare moments when one man
So far exceeds the norm that
You gasp in awe, and (whether
Friend or foe) wildly applaud
And later treasure in mind.
Without a doubt, it is Rules
(With its peculiar stress
On leaps, high kicks, evasion)
That best fosters heaven-blessed
Marks, uncanny goals, dainty
Dances through tight, snarling packs!
QED
Thud on His Coffin
An eloquent man,
Wielded words like swords,
Frequent witty but
Too often graceless.
By the end, he had
Grievously wounded
All who had ever
Loved or cared for him.
Eloquent too was
His widow’s farewell;
But everyone
Knew she was lying.
In nineteen-forty, when Stalin thought
Hitler was his best friend, my father
(On his behalf) publicly condemned
The war against Germany, and was
Jailed for ‘seditious utterances’.
As a Presbyterian parson,
He had for years been a regular
Visitor to the local prison.
As a convict, he continued to
Be addressed by the warders as ‘sir’!
Treasured cleaning-lady,
Shy and self-effacing,
Limited English, at
A time of misfortune.
Gropes for words to explain
Her abrupt ‘No, no, no!’
To the offer of a
Sympathetic pay-rise.
Finally, the words come.
‘I am proud,’ she says.
Not so long ago, my university
Was run by a Vice-Chancellor, Registrar,
Manager, Staff Officer and a few Deans,
All on relatively modest salaries.
Now it boasts a ‘VC and President’, a
Senior Deputy VC, Deputy
VC, two Vice-Presidents, a Chief of Staff,
Seven Pro-VCs,[1] a tail of Assistant
Pro-VCs and some lesser pomposities.
Like the titles, salaries at the top have
Inflated, even to corporate levels.
But worse, and most revealing, is the verbal
Inflation afflicting the terms in which the
‘Senior Leadership Group’ talks to the led.
Messages to staff are preoccupied with
‘Plans,’ ‘visions,’ ‘missions’, ‘new’ things and ‘strategies’
(The latter entailing an admin post with
The distinctly enigmatic title of
Manager of Strategic Initiatives).
Thus, after long prior fanfare, a Future
Ready Strategy is at last bedded down.
But then, with odd haste, the SLG launches
An ‘FRS Refresh’ project involving
A ‘new vision … a new strategic focus.’
Staff ‘consultations’ on such things are frequent
And lauded - as in the ‘exciting research’
(To quote the SDVC) which invites each
Staff member to state in writing what makes their
Employer-university ‘distinctive.’
On teaching, the VC defines ‘three vital
Areas of learning’ that are ‘central’, he
Says, ‘to all our undergraduate courses.’
These areas? ‘Entrepreneurship, global
Citizenship, and sustainability.’
Playing the same flighty game, the SLG
(In its Refresh message) claims a ‘new’ focus
On ‘outstanding student experience, student
Employability, research excellence,’
And something it describes as ‘brilliant basics.’
Meanwhile, at the coal-face (where the teaching and
Real research happens) drab-titled lecturers
And professors grapple with dubious tasks
Decreed from above, with budget cuts, mounting
Student numbers – and struggle for research-time.
My university was never going
To be a great seat of learning; but at least
It managed for forty years to educate
And research well enough, without indulging
In the pretensions of its current overlords.
[1] Shortly to be increased to eight Pro-VCs, the new one replacing an Executive Officer.
An Australian Fairy Tale
The Princess of this dinkum yarn
(Born near Ballarat; Mum soon dead)
Was raised by Dad and siblings nine
To ride race-horses, just like them.
Her Prince, proud son of Pentire, from
Waikato across the ditch, is
Like her a hardy survivor:
He of colic, she of a fall.
As ‘Prince of Penzance’, he makes the
Melbourne Cup field in distinctly
Down-beat fashion, trailing feted
Foreigners and fancied locals.
Princess has a strapper: little
Stevie, her Down-syndrome brother.
He does her proud, winning top place
In the starting-stall lottery,
Come the hour, the Prince enters the
Stall, the Princess perched high on his
Shoulder, as a rank outsider
At odds of one-hundred-to-one.
Gates snap open: the race is on!
Twenty-four lithe-lovely horses
(Each bearing a colourful gnome)
Pour down the track like a torrent.
Close to the finish, Princess and
Prince take the bit between their teeth:
She urges, he surges, clears the
Pack, drives straight and clean to the line!
As the Prince saunters in triumph
To the mounting yard, the Princess
Forsakes the crowd, leans low from the
Saddle to kiss little Stevie.
Her Cup speech: eloquent and frank,
Dwells fond on family and friends,
Fiery on racing’s male culture:
‘Stuff you!’ she (now-famously) snorts.
And rounding off her day, Princess
Celebrates at a modest South
Melbourne pub – in place of the posh
Crown Casino past winners chose.
********
So ends the tale of Michelle Payne,
The Mallee Princess, and her Prince;
And of the day the doughty twain
Wrecked gendered precepts of their game.
At the Melbourne Cricket Ground
I watched lissom Betty
Cuthbert, with gaping mouth,
Dance through sunshine and breast
The golden tape three times.
I watched stocky Kuts, blonde
Forelock bobbing, twice lead
From start to finish and
Outlast loping Pirie.
Pictures, still vivid in
My head, of a Games rich
In events that others
Ranked as high, or higher.
But today, for me, it’s
Innocence, not feats, that
Truly distinguishes
The Melbourne Olympics.
The athletes’ honour was
Then unquestioned: no thought,
No whispers of cheating.
How different from Rio!
My University,
Once modest, plain-spoken,
And sparingly governed,
Now suffers from a swarm
Of garrulous ‘leaders’
(With pompous titles and
A creative approach
To wasting the time of
Front-line academics)
Who pen preening statements
Peppered with ‘fantastic’,
‘Wonderful’ and even
The odd ‘fabulous’!
Of Black Madonnas and the Answer of Faith
2016
For over three centuries, the village
Of Lanzo d’Intelvi, overlooking
Lake Como, has hosted a procession
Honouring ‘Our Lady of Loreto’,
A version of the holy Madonna.
So, I chanced one moonless night to watch the
Lady, in the light of hooded candles
And borne on sturdy shoulders, as she passed
In solemn silence up a Lanzo street.
Stunned, I saw that the Madonna was black!
The ivory cheeks and simple colours
Of medieval Madonnas had long
Charmed my agnostic eye, but I was then
Totally unaware of the black cheeks
Worshipped in churches from France to Poland.
Scholars still debate the origins of
The black Madonnas in Western churches.
Not so the faithful: as a questioned priest
Calmly, simply replied, ‘The Madonna
Is black because the Madonna is black.’
The Benevolence Business
2016
Those who run main charities today
Clearly think that the more wordy and
Arty and glossy their brochures (and
The more often they mail them to us),
The more likely they are to tug at
Our heart-strings and loosen our purse-strings.
Maybe they’re right; but I must confess
That the obviously mounting cost
Of their appeals inclines me to muse,
More than before, about the cut of
My dollar that’s hitting my target!
Hollow Heroes:
The Case of a Misshapen
Institutional Memory
Recently, a young and worthy
University opted to
Celebrate its foundation by
Glorifying a trio of
Former students who brought fear and
Disruption (I witnessed this as
A senior academic)
To its infant campus.
It was a time when militant
Marxism dominated student
Politics abroad and at home.
The three skilfully exploited
The fashion, installed a regime
Of violence (relatively mild),
Intimidation, invasion
Of lectures, mass occupations
And destruction of records.
‘Student power’ was their slogan.
Their proclaimed aim, student control
Over the university’s
Governing bodies in order
To liberate them from the weight
Of corrupting ‘capitalism’.
The Vietnam war (implied now as
Central) was a side-issue.
It was a long time before a
Timid administration at
Last invoked the law, readily
Won injunctions banning the three
From campus, backed their arrest when
They showily breached the orders.
Their indeterminate jail terms
Were for civil contempt of court;
Nothing to do with Vietnam.
It is these three young thugs whom an
Artless alma mater now hails
As foundation heroes on prime
TV (where they preen at length) and
Then fetes and feasts on campus as
Its most respected alumni.
(As told in its own Words)
A university I know has just added
A dazzling jewel of absurdity to its
Bulging administrative crown in the form of
A ‘Program Director of Customer Service’.
The new director, an ‘internationally
Recognised service champion’, is bringing a
‘New approach’ to a uni that sadly ‘hasn’t
Had the best service ratings in more recent times’.
As champion-defined, ‘customers’ are ‘all people’:
‘Students, Staff, Community, Partners, Visitors’.
It’s their ‘experience and satisfaction that
We need to improve across the board’ for success.
The means? A ‘Customer Service Charter’ and a
‘Universal set of customer service standards’,
Plus ‘quality measures such as call recording,
Satisfaction kiosks and mystery shopping.’
The task then is ‘to choreograph, streamline our
People, process, technology and environment
To provide a service that will set us apart’ -
But without, at the same time, ‘losing our big heart’.
So to the daft aim: ‘the combination of head
And heart, working smarter rather than harder, will
Help us to achieve our goal to be ranked the best
[University] in Victoria by 2019’!
A Puzzle of Sorts
2018
On the same day that the
Hayne royal commission
Claimed the lofty scalp of
AMP’s chairman, three
Sorry letters from my
Own insurer - with cheques
For unpaid discounts, and
Promises there would be
No future ‘oversights’.
No reason given for
This sudden confession
Of past forgetfulness.
No mention either of
The royal commission
And its exposure of
Rampant chicanery
Among more eminent
Sister-institutions.
So the question: is the
Timing of the letters
A pure coincidence
Or could it be that my
Insurer is running scared?
Now, They’re Breeding Like Rabbits!
2020
A brand-new position with the title,
‘Pro Vice-Chancellor (International)’,
Has just been created and filled at a
University I happen to know.
The appointment was formally announced
By an official with the title of
‘Deputy Vice-Chancellor (International)’.
Oddly, the apparent duplication
Is passed over in the announcement made on
Behalf of a seat of learning blessed with
A swelling ‘leadership team’ of pompous
Titles (salaries to suit), lording it
Over a swollen under-class of frontline
Teachers on casual and fixed-term contracts.
Of Skirts
2023
Oh, where are the skirts of yesteryear
That flounced and bounced, and sometimes twirled,
Always promising the chance of a
Fleeting glance at an elegant ankle
Or a curvaceous calf - whether
Strolling or dancing or jumping for joy?
Instead, we now have a soulless parade
Of male-type pants or an ocean of leggings -
Once slinky shape-changers, noted for daring,
But today caught in a fashionably smothering
River of black that fudges contour in a
Gloomified world and cringes at colour.
The Truth of It
2020
It must be clearly understood that the causes [of family violence]
do not derive from Aboriginal culture.
Family violence is not part of Aboriginal culture.
However, the disadvantage, dispossession
and attempted destruction of Aboriginal
cultures since colonisation
have meant that family violence
has proliferated in Aboriginal communities.
(Domestic Violence Resource Centre Victoria,
‘Family Violence in Aboriginal Communities’, 18 January 2016)
Oh, it’s not the culture,
Could never be the culture:
Whatever history and
Insiders impart, the
Culture’s strictly benign!
No, Whitey’s entirely
Responsible for the
Aberrant rates at which
Aboriginal men maim
And murder their women!
Lady Courage
2020
Jacinta Nampijinpa Price:
An unorthodox champion
Of First Nation causes, she
Honours (as a self-proclaimed
Warlpiri-Celtic woman) her
Mixed-race parentage, and homes in
On the most shameful feature of
Aboriginal disadvantage.
Her concern is the exceptional
Scale of male (sugar-coated as
‘Domestic’/‘family’) violence
In Indigenous communities,
An issue her peers tend to skirt
In embarrassed silence - dealing
More comfortably with black deaths
In custody, a ‘voice’, and such.
In the course of pinpointing the
Single issue of male violence,
She has raised a perfect storm by
By arguing its root cause is the
Survival of a massively
Male-favouring culture born in
The time of hunter-gatherers
Dwelling on the rim of disaster.
But doggedly, bravely, under
Constant attack for her rejection
Of a more benign version of
Indigenous culture, she persists
In speaking out about the
Extraordinary suffering
Of Aboriginal women
And girls at the hands of their men.
A Caution Before You Praise the Culture
2022
The old woman
Slumps to the sand.
She can walk no more.
The little band let her be,
And plod on through the
Hungry country behind
Their thin screen of
Load-free warriors.
Time comes for food.
Just some roots and one
Babe-in-arms are left.
Warriors first, as usual.
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